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Showing posts from 2014

Transubstantiation

i never could stand artifice lovers who played a role to win my heart artificial sweetener tastes like chemicals give me Your real undiluted holiness come to me with Your demons in tow i want all of You sacred our lovemaking like worship ritual sacrifice of blood and sweat and tears my orgasm an offering You thank me for every time show me Your truth even if it is two things there is room i accept multitudes You taste real like wine and a wafer on my tongue

Real

There is nothing timid about the way that I love. When I am truly in love it is fathomless. It is me ripping my chest open and exposing my beating heart to you.   It is me setting aside my pride and being authentic, open...raw. It is me unlocking all of your doors with all of the keys I keep finding; poking around inside and looking for the doors you’ve not opened in a long time, if ever. It is me accepting you as a person distinct from me with your own ways of thinking and doing. It is me wanting to understand you, me wanting to see all of you. It is me honoring and respecting our differences but also me gently encouraging you to be your best, most authentic self. It is me tenderly loving you, all of you. It is me loving your beauty, your shame, your weaknesses, your failings, your triumphs, your hopes, your entire person. It is me celebrating you and holding up a mirror so that you can see your glory. When it is real, our love can transport us to another place, a place beyond

the thin red line

the thin red line is a film about war but this war is waged within weapons forged by shame guilt anger grief overwhelm stainless steel fresh from the package tempting offering the release i crave that thin red line catharsis

How I am doing.....

It is winter outside but not yet the winter of my grief. It’s amazing to me how many feelings my heart can hold simultaneously. It feels like an emotional shit storm  at times. In my heart there is much grief over the transition of my relationship with my partner and with Kyle. It usually hangs out quietly but then at times it hits me like a sneaker wave and suddenly my eyes fill with tears that I desperately try to blink back.   So much change has a way of throwing me off kilter. In three weeks I must pack my entire life into boxes to be stored for a few months while I travel and stay with my parents.   Three weeks in which I must also manage the holidays with family and get a mountain of work done at my job so that I can feel good about leaving the country for three weeks. In the midst of all of this change and emotional turmoil blooms a precious new love. Like a lotus flower pushing its way through the murky pond to explode in its pretty white splendor, my new love has a way o

Ch ch ch Changes ....Turn and Face the Strange

So many changes in my life. Those that know me may think I’m acting impulsively, and maybe I am. But this is my life. I know what I am doing. I am listening to my heart.   This is my only rule. Okay, well maybe I have two rules: be honest and listen to my heart. This is my path to happiness, the only one I know that works. It makes me sad that the choices I have made cause others to feel loss and grief but I cannot live my life for anyone but myself. I have to trust that the loves I have left will cherish what we had and will find someone who is a better fit for them just as I have found my perfect fit.  I hope that the loves I have left will find someone who will love them back in equal measure and not want more or less than they have to offer. I tried the poly thing. It didn’t work for me. I tried really hard to make it work for me in my heart and in my mind. Initially it worked for me because I wasn’t fully in love with my partner, so of course I felt capable of loving mo

Birds Should Not Be In Cages

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We all carry stories around in our heads that were forged by fear, hurt, insecurities, and the like. We let these stories limit us, cage us. We say "I cannot do that because I always....", "I will fail at this because..." I say bullshit. I used to have so many stories and rules. My life was governed by them.  I held the belief that I was broken and incapable of falling deeply in love for so long it felt like fact. I had rules about how much of the parts of myself I deemed weak that I would share with those I loved. I had stories in my head that I would never be capable of being fully present in sex because of past trauma. I could go on for pages, but you get the point. I've decided to abandon every single one of my rules. I have put to rest all of my stories. I have embraced my limitlessness. I held the key to my own cage this entire time. Yes, I have always been more passionate than the average person, but now that I've left my cage, my passion knows

The Spring of my Grief

It changed over night Suddenly hers and hers bathrooms Our toothbrushes No longer hang out In the same holder I couldn't have known That our uncoupling Would lead to Me covering up my skin No longer free Distance sprang up In a matter of days This I did not expect Could not Foresee that it would happen so quickly Overnight you became A stranger in my home Familiar Yet unknown to me My house no longer a home I mourn This death of Us Wishing we could formally grieve Hold a funeral where with all of our loved ones We recall the joy we shared And afterwards a potluck

An end and a beginning

After more than four years as a couple my primary partner and I ended that phase of our relationship last night and plan to continue on as loving friends. We almost ended it last year but have spent a year trying to make it work, a year which for which I am grateful. We went to couples counseling which was invaluable. We both did our best to be our most authentic selves and love each other well. In the end, we wanted different things. She wanted the me she thought I was, not the me that I really am. That it the hardest part for me, but I refuse to feel like I failed. I don't think the measure of a successful relationship is whether or not it lasts for ever. Our relationship is measured by the love we shared, the beautiful love we made, the adventures we had, the friendship we shared and continue to share. I loved her to the best of my ability and she loved me to the best of hers. I take comfort in the idea that one day she will find someone who loves her in equal measure. She i

Balance

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Balance. It is something I've struggled with my whole life. I’m pretty much a balls out or nothing kind of person. In my adolescence I did drugs. When I say I did drugs, I mean I did almost every drug there was. I ended up a junkie. I saw that my friends who were shooting up were having a better high than I was and I didn't want to miss out on a more intense experience. And let me tell you that shooting up is right up there as one of the top two intense experiences in my life. (For the record, I quit powdered drugs when I was 18, went to rehab and never looked back). That is just one example of the many examples I have in my life of me going as far as I can with something.  When I do something I have a hard time doing it halfway. I like to experience things intensely…passionately.  I like to dive in to whatever experience I am having and be fully immersed in it. I like to push my limits. Currently I am seized with a terrible case of wanderlust. I am itching to take off

All That

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. - Walt Whitman I am fully capable of loving just one person and being lovers with just one person as long as that person is someone who has all of the keys to all of my locks and meets me on every level.   I also am someone who feels so good in my current in situation of engaging in two romantic relationships with two very different people and not having anyone else in my life in a sexual or romantic way. Another me wants to just be completely independent without any labeled commitments and make love to half of my friends because I really do have some amazing friends.   I want to live alone in the woods. I want to live in Manhattan. I want to live with my partner in the home that we own. I want to live in an intentional community with my lover and his family (in separate houses) and other amazing people. I want to be a vagabond and travel the world with no home and no roots. Sex

Restless

When I was 18 I took off on a greyhound bus to Northern California to take part in Redwood Summer .       I went alone with a small tent, a backpack and $50 in my pocket. That summer I lived in the forest, in my tent sometimes, but more frequently I slept under the stars curled up with another activist cuddling to stay warm and because it just feels good. I swam naked, learned to become a leader, and went to jail twice for the trees.   I had amazing lovers and was completely free. Leaving my life for a summer like that at age 18 was much easier than I can imagine it would be at age 42, but oh do I feel nostalgic for those summer days.   I’m craving an adventure. It is an insatiable hunger, an unscratchable itch under my skin. I don’t just mean another week long scuba trip, but a real adventure.   I’ve been daydreaming about quitting my job, cashing in my 401K and just traveling solo for several months or longer. I’ve spent hours checking out this great travel blog and daydreamin

Let's Fall In Love

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It seems like it is not cool anymore to be in love. It seems to me that people view love as a weakness maybe because it involves vulnerability.  I disagree; falling in love is the biggest high and the bravest thing. I did a lot of drugs in my adolescence and I tell you that none compare to the soaring sensation that falling and being madly in love brings. The problem is that it is so hard to come by. Yes, I have a lot of love in my life and love many people. But the "in love" thing? For me it is not as easy.  You see I am very demanding. For me to fall in love with you, I want it all; no I need it all. I want to peel back every single layer and see all of your insides. I want to know your hopes and dreams as well as your fears and insecurities. I want to know your shame and your sadness, your triumphs and joy. I want to know what makes you think the way you think and where you see the opportunities for improvement within yourself. I want you to be a person who is on a con

Betty

Her name was Betty. For some reason this was the hottest thing about her to me. Not her thick chestnut colored hair that went past her shoulders in waves, not her full red lips, nor her gorgeous brown eyes, highlighted by smoky eye shadow. It was her name that got me. Her name, and her clumsy attempts to flirt with me. As I sat chatting with Betty and her boyfriend in the back corner of the cigar bar, sipping bourbon, she confessed that she had never kissed a girl. As she said this, she popped the cherry from her drink into her mouth. Damn, maybe her flirting wasn’t so clumsy after all. Why is it that straight girls love me so much? I’ve never figured it out. Usually I find it annoying, but not that night. That night I was charmed by Betty. We talked, edging closer to each other and ignoring her boyfriend. I put my hand on her thigh and leaned across her, my lips next to her ear I asked, “Are you asking me to kiss you, Betty? Is that what you want?” She blushed and said yes. I lean

The River

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We sat around the fire and talked of love and art, beauty and madness. We talked about religion, politics, spirituality, the meaning of life.    We all spoke, each one taking turns while staring into the flames, me with a stick in my hand constantly adjusting the wood, lighting the end of my stick on fire   and then putting it out, pounding the embers off on the rocks that ring the fire pit. The cool night air caressed our skin, the sound of the river rushing by in the background was better than any song I’ve ever heard. By the fire we sat,  watching the embers glow and passed a bowl. We shared our thoughts and dreams. Hugging our hoodies close to our bodies, warding off the cold air, we watched the stars come out in force as the night grew darker. We passed around a bottle of bourbon, liquid fire in our bellies, keeping us warm, loosening our tongues so that we were sharing our most authentic selves, shedding the armor we wear out in the real world. How many nights have I

Property Rights

I have been thinking a lot lately about male privilege and masculine of center privilege. I have been having discussions on the topic with friends and lovers. I asked Kyle if he would consider writing on the topic from his perspective as a masculine of center person (MOC) who experiences privilege and who’s privilege is increasing as he becomes more masculine in appearance. (I encourage you to check it out because he speaks to the topic much more eloquently than I am able. Thoughts on Masculine Privilege ) In a recent conversation with my primary partner on this topic, she seemed surprised that I thought she had any privilege as a masculine presenting woman. I reminded her a few incidents in our past.   A few years ago, my primary partner and I went to a gallery show of photographs at our local queer community center. We had looked at all of the pieces and were just hanging out sipping the free wine and chatting with a woman who was new to the area. She looked to be in her early 3

First Kiss

A true story about the night I first met Kyle Jones, who can be found at  butchtastic.net . I became aware of Kyle because of an interview he did with Sinclair on his blog about poly. I had always been curious about poly and sent him a note thanking him for sharing and asking him some questions. Soon after we became friends. I actually met him once before in person, but that night I was with my partner, and we were still in a monogamous relationship, so we didn't really get a chance to talk a lot. We were flirty at times online, but mostly had always kept it in the friend zone. Then my primary relationship opened up and a few months later I found myself in his town on business. I was excited to finally get to spend one on one time with him, but we hadn't been flirty in quite some time, so I had no expectations other than to hang out with a friend. After a long day spent with a client, I checked in to my hotel and got ready for our evening. He t