An end and a beginning

After more than four years as a couple my primary partner and I ended that phase of our relationship last night and plan to continue on as loving friends.

We almost ended it last year but have spent a year trying to make it work, a year which for which I am grateful. We went to couples counseling which was invaluable. We both did our best to be our most authentic selves and love each other well. In the end, we wanted different things. She wanted the me she thought I was, not the me that I really am. That it the hardest part for me, but I refuse to feel like I failed.

I don't think the measure of a successful relationship is whether or not it lasts for ever. Our relationship is measured by the love we shared, the beautiful love we made, the adventures we had, the friendship we shared and continue to share. I loved her to the best of my ability and she loved me to the best of hers. I take comfort in the idea that one day she will find someone who loves her in equal measure. She is kind, beautiful, fun, and just a wonderful person. I love her and always will.

So where does this leave me? Right now I feel a bit freaked out. Big change is scary. We share a  home. We share 136 friends on Facebook. We will need to figure out how to disentwine our lives and determine where we still want to be entwined. We are committed to remaining friends and occasional scuba buddies and have adventures together.

I also feel proud of myself right now. I feel proud that once I felt sure that this was the end of the line for me as far as being her partner I told her. I didn't wait until it was a convenient time for me financially. I didn't wait until after the holidays. We sat across the table from one another eating ma po tofu and just talked. In the end it was mutual. She agreed that although she very much wants to be with me, our relationship was not working. We cried and held each other. There was no yelling, no harsh words, only love and compassion.

I know I will need to create space to grieve this loss, I will spend time with friends who are loving and supportive. I will spend a lot of time alone, walking in the woods, reading, sewing, and writing. I will cry when the need arises. I will retreat into my shell of quiet when I need to as well.

I feel relieved. For four years I have tried to fit myself into this life that I chose, the life I felt I should choose. I have tried to manufacture stronger feelings, a deeper connection. I have tried and I have not succeeded but I do not feel like a failure, I refuse.

I have given myself permission to hope for a different life.

What shape will my life take now? Only time will tell.  I intend to walk into my new life on my own two feet with my eyes and heart wide open

Comments

  1. I am proud of you for knowing when to make a change and for following through with so much love and integrity. I recently went through a break up like this where we intentionally decided to remain open and involved and loving through the process. It was hard. We acknowledged while going through it that it may be easier to break up powered on anger, but the end result would not be as good. I'm proud that we changed the nature of our relationship with loving compassion and open communication. I wish you two the very best through this process.

    I love you so much, I'm thinking about you and sending you infinite amounts of love every moment <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you need a sewing buddy to get your mind off things, let's get together! Heck, let's do it anyway! <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Falling

The Ugly Truth

Looking Forward (Obligatory New Year is approaching post)