Swimming in the Deep End

Yesterday we shared our vows. There's something about making pledges in front of other people that makes it a really big deal. These were my vows. I choose you. I chose you when I barely knew you because something in your soul spoke to mine. We were both brave and followed that tugging we both felt but could not explain. We followed our hearts to the woods of North Carolina, to your river and woods. We followed our hearts to the temples of Chiang Mai and the Andaman Sea where we first pledged ourselves to one another as wives. We did all of this having known each other less than three months. Now that I know you better and have dove deeper into your waters, I choose you again. I see you as a whole person. A beautiful, flawed, lovely, person who contains multitudes. I choose you when times are good and I choose you when times are tough. My commitment to you and to us as a couple has not wavered even when we have faced challenges. I choose to first see your be...

Tomorrow I will declare my love, my intentions, and pledge myself in marriage. This is the third time I have married ; the first two times were to the father of my son. I have learned much in the intervening years. I have learned to never make a promise I cannot keep. Tomorrow I will state my intent  and hope to love my wife and to be together forever but I will also promise to release them from our marriage should they ever believe that is is not right. I will promise to tell them right away if I ever come to the conclusion that this relationship no longer works for me, instead of stringing them along. Does this mean I won't fight to make it work when times are tough? Absolutely not. We have already encountered tough times and my commitment remains steady. I will also promise to support them on their own journey as an individual. I will promise to give and take space as needed. People have told me that making promises like these is not romantic. Many think that when you ...

The title...a quote from Arthur Rimbaud is very apropos to my current state of being. I find myself pulling inward, sitting quietly with a million thoughts, surrounded by my softly burning dreams and unanswered questions. Something is missing. At times I feel like I am disappearing. But there are times when I feel like my old self again, or some version of my self, but those occasions seem to occur less often. In the mean time I'm just hanging out in my chrysalis, looking forward to seeing what and who will emerge.

Yesterday I bought a new harness and a new cock. My new harness is so sexy it makes me feel like a Boss. Sitting at work today, I can't stop thinking about it really.  A few months ago I posted something on a butch/femme page (a page I have since left) regarding femmes strapping it on. I was shocked at how many femme identified folks responded that they would NEVER strap it, and acted like it was a complete afront to any notion of being femme identified. It also saddened me to see several butch identified people wrote about how they would never allow "their femme" to strap it on.  There seems to be a large section of the butch/femme community who react very negatively to the notion of femmes with cocks. Butch/femme culture has taken on many of the heteronormative hyper-masculine and hyper-feminine stereotpyes that demand we stick to certain roles. Somehow femmes are less feminine if we want to strap it on. Butches are less butch if they enjoy a good fucking. Why is th...

In almost every major relationship  I've  had there has been that one thing, that one special thing that is unique to that distinctive coupling . Sometimes there are more than one, but there is always one that tugs at my heartstrings the most.  It may be a silly joke told over and over, it may be a shared daydream kept secret and sacred between the two of us, it could be a physical gesture or act; for example I have a friend who has been married for 25 years and every morning her husband dries her off after her shower. These inside jokes, those rituals, that’s part of what makes that relationship unique, special, and different from all others. These are the things you can look back on years later and smile, the things to keep warm in your heart as a reminder that the love you shared was real. It is the little things that make me feel that way anyway. When relationships end it is always painful, whether you are the one leaving or the one being left. Some people k...

"The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend." ~Aristotle I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. I am richly blessed in the friend department. In my live I have been through many changes, gone on many adventures, indulged in different passions, and have been through a few major relationships. I am grateful for my friends who have stuck with me even when I may have embarked on paths they couldn’t understand or didn’t agree with. That is what marks a true friend right? Well one of the things. A true friend is someone who lets you make mistakes and doesn't say "I told you so," when you realize later you've made a mistake. A true friend is someone who sticks with you when the whole world thinks you've changed radically; the true friend sees the real you inside, the same person who has always been there. A true friend is someone with whom you can always pick up where you left off ,even if it is years later. A true friend also is someone...

If you can't say something nice....

It has been some time since I've posted a blog. So much has happened in my life, so much is happening still; not just significant events, of which there have been several, but changes in my emotional landscape. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the folks I ended relationships with in November and December, my switch from polyamory to monogamy, my new love, my friends and family's reaction to my life changes, etc. I am choosing not to write about any of it because I'm just not ready to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with the 15 people who read this and perhaps I never will be ready. An interesting thing occurred recently. I took one of those Facebook quizzes, a Star Wars Myers Briggs dealio and my result was Luke Skywalker, but the funny thing is that according to this very scientific quiz on top of being a whiner Luke is an INFP. I've always been an ENFP. It feels accurate for me though right now, the switch from introverted to extroverted. This usu...

“I’ve got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I’ve got a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.” – Regina Spektor I celebrate this body of mine in all its rubenesque glory. This body has grown a human, birthed, and nourished a wonderful human boy. These hips are glorious and perfect for resting a child on or a bag of groceries as I fish in my purse for the keys to my house. This body of mine moves me through the water like a mermaid, exploring 100 feet below the surface. My legs are strong enough to carry me up a Mayan pyramid 138 feet in height, even though my weight classifies me as obese. My legs are beautifully shaped with strong calves and soft thighs in which I rejoice.  Parts of my story are written on my flesh in stretch marks and scars and tattoos.  I admire them all. This body is my instrument in which I give pleasure to the lovers I have had… with my mouth and my tongue, my teeth, my fingers, my cunt. My small breasts are p...