Rainbow Star

The other day,  I read this brilliant essay with tears streaming down my face.  Please read it. This Is Not For You  

Pretty much every single word she wrote resonated with me.
 

I have struggled feeling like I fit anywhere all of my life, but I'm always extra sad when I feel like a misfit in my own community. 

I’ve been called bisexual like it’s a dirty word. I recall the times when women have bragged about being gold stars* with an air of superiority.  I cannot tell you how many time people have treated me like property of my butch partners because I am wearing a skirt and heels and expertly applied eyeliner.  I remember that one time a “well meaning” gay guy asked me  if I was gay because I thought I couldn’t get a guy because I’m not skinny, and tried to reassure me that I’m still pretty even if I’m not thin. (Maybe because I’m girly he thought I wasn’t genuinely queer.)

I have loved men, both cis and trans. I have loved them for their maleness (among other things), not in spite of it. I have had rocking sex with men. I have loved women and have had mind blowing sex with women, both butch and femme. I have loved one person who identified as neither a man nor woman but a beautifully perfect hybrid of the two.

I am not a gold star. I am a mother fucking rainbow star.





I wear makeup pretty much every single day, even while hiking. I wear skirts and dresses more often than pants. I wear push-up bras and lacy panties and carry a secret smile all day when they match  because it makes me feel sexy as fuck. I hike in skirts but I can build a campfire as well as any man or butch I’ve met.

Do not underestimate me. 

I am a fierce femme who can fight my own battles but is also not afraid to ask for help at times, because sometimes it is just nicer to not have to do it all alone. I do not need to prove my strength because anyone worthy of me sees it, they see me. 

I drink my bourbon neat. I prefer dating masculine of center female bodied folks who hold the door open for me, not because they think I cannot, but because they enjoy the dance of chivalry...the extended foreplay of it. I often prefer masculine folks because I enjoy the yin yang feeling of it, but I am also attracted to people just as girly as I am. (Which seems to be very much against the rules here in PDX) 

When I was a little girl I refused to wear pants with zippers because I thought they were for boys to unzip and pee out of and I was mortified that someone might mistake me for a boy.  I preferred to climb trees,  build forts, and play with barbies in my dresses and skirts so that the world would assume at first glance I was girl. 

I do not perform my femme-ness for anyone else. I just exist in the way that feels right. It is the way I have always been and it is the way I always will be. 


*For those who don’t know gold star is a lesbian who has never slept with a cis gendered man. 

Comments

  1. Yes! Beautiful. Authentic. Real. I see you.

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