Thief
The first time it happened I had a hard time believing what I was reading. It appeared my experience of spending the last ten days of my birth mother's life in the hospital with her, helping ease her anxiety as she faded away into death, watching her turn grey and the heartbreaking experience of seeing her lifeless body, had been stolen by my former wife and used as *their experience.
They denied it, of course, and I was quick to believe their explanations that their advisor (who's letter I had read which led me to this discovery) had misunderstood them. I believed them because how could anyone do that? Who would take someone else's story and make it their own, especially their wife's story? I believe them because I wanted so badly to not have made a mistake trusting and marrying them.
The second time it happened was during the whole Donald Trump "grab them by the pussy" news story. I had shut my Facebook down for a while as I was overwhelmed by all of the stories and posts about it. I tearfully sat in the car one day and shared with my former wife how all of those stories triggered stuff from my past and how I just needed a break. We went into the house and L locked themself in the their office with the music turned up high typing away. About thirty minutes later I was stunned to read a blog they had posted detailing what they said had been a sexual assault years ago by their best friend. I remember reading the blog and thinking it did not at all match up with what they had told me about this encounter. Suddenly their account involved violence, not merely coercion and icky feelings. It involved actual penetration, not just someone kissing them and groping them when they didn't really want it. It now involved their best friend breaking the chain on the door to barge in and violently assault them. It was graphic and they claimed they had never really admitted it before. It struck me as odd that 10 minutes after posting what was allegedly an emotional outpouring regarding a traumatic event, they were trying to initiate sex with me and they didn't seem disturbed in the slightest. I knew better than to question them about the discrepancies because I knew it would end with me somehow being the bad guy again.
The last time was the worst. This was a few months ago when they alleged in a blog post that I had sexually assaulted them. They used experiences from my life that I had confided in them as claimed them as their own. Even worse than stealing my story, they used my own story and past against me. They alleged they lay silent and not moving while I touched them, frozen and unable to say anything. The icing on the cake was the allegation that I anally raped them, resulting in their attempted suicide two weeks later. They claimed the mantle of femme on butch sexual assault survivor and people ate it up telling them how brave they were to come forward with their story. The blog sounded very convincing mainly because they used a real experience (mine) so it sounded true. Also, who lies about that? Why would anyone lie about that?
There are people in this world who always need to be seen as a victim. There are people who always need to be seen as heroically overcoming a tragedy. When they don't have a fresh tragedy of their own, they steal from those around them. This also gives them excuses for poor behavior. I don't know how many times I excused their scary behavior during arguments because they alleged they were made small in a prior abusive relationship and now they overcompensate by "getting big." (A relationship they now claim was the most meaningful of their life.) I am not sure why I believed this and put up with this behavior. As someone who has been in two abusive relationships now I can tell you that I immediately get small when confronted with a lot of angry energy. I learned to survive by agreeing and apologizing. This is something I am working hard on overcoming. I have never met a survivor who overcompensated by acting like an abuser.
Having my life experiences stolen was much worse than the thousands of dollars they stole from me. Money is just money and although I now struggle financially to dig myself out of the hole I'm in, it is much less painful than digging myself out of the emotional hole I landed in.
While I am happy to see women standing up and the whole "Me Too" movement, I also know that there are some people who are using this as a means for attention. There are people who are getting revenge on others by claiming sexual assaults that did not happen. The problem with this is when those people are found out it discredits the whole movement.
My therapist warned me that leaving a narcissist is very difficult, because they will make it difficult. When the divorce was final and three months later I finally had them out of my home, I thought it was over. It wasn't. They had police called to the house I own, which is now rented by friends, alleging they were suicidal. They had police called to my parents house alleging they were there and about to kill themself. Every time I would think that they had moved on and were just going to let me be, they found a new way to hurt and harass me because I dared to leave them. I had no plans to out them as a compulsive liar, a thief, and an abuser; I just wanted to walk away. I wanted to just end my marriage and I hoped that we would both move on with our lives, that we would both find partners more suited to us.
I think my only solace is knowing that people will catch on. A compulsive liar who is not wicked smart cannot keep track of all of their lies. A person who lies about having a friend die in the Orlando mass murder at a gay night club will not be believed for long as their story ends up paper thin. I think anyone who actually knows me and has spent any time with me would never think that I would be capable of what they allege. I think any lover that they have who is a survivor of sexual assault will see that their behavior is not consistent with that of a survivor, or that their stories change all of the time because they cannot keep track of which version of events they told to which person.
I made the decision never to look at their blog or social media accounts again. It has been quite some time since I have and every day I feel a greater sense of freedom. I will not ever again listen to or read their lies. They have already done the worst thing that they could have done to me and I am still standing. I have no reason to allow them to hurt me anymore. I put up with enough for so long and now I claim my life as my own. I have a loving partner who helps me as I deal with the aftermath. Every week it affects me less. Every week I feel stronger and like I am getting myself back. I debated ever writing about this in a public way, but I hope that by writing about it I can bury it in the past.
Healing from an abusive relationship with a narcissist is a long and painful journey, but it is possible. I look back to where I was emotionally a year ago and I can see how far I have come. I know a year from now I will be even better.
I think this may be my last blog post on this blog. My partner and I have have plans to create a joint blog where we write about our various adventures including a big adventure that will hopefully happen later this year. It's time to leave the past in the past and focus on my beautiful present and future.
Thank you for reading.
---
* My former wife uses they/them pronouns. If you are unfamiliar with this, here is a great link. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/they-them-questions-answered
They denied it, of course, and I was quick to believe their explanations that their advisor (who's letter I had read which led me to this discovery) had misunderstood them. I believed them because how could anyone do that? Who would take someone else's story and make it their own, especially their wife's story? I believe them because I wanted so badly to not have made a mistake trusting and marrying them.
The second time it happened was during the whole Donald Trump "grab them by the pussy" news story. I had shut my Facebook down for a while as I was overwhelmed by all of the stories and posts about it. I tearfully sat in the car one day and shared with my former wife how all of those stories triggered stuff from my past and how I just needed a break. We went into the house and L locked themself in the their office with the music turned up high typing away. About thirty minutes later I was stunned to read a blog they had posted detailing what they said had been a sexual assault years ago by their best friend. I remember reading the blog and thinking it did not at all match up with what they had told me about this encounter. Suddenly their account involved violence, not merely coercion and icky feelings. It involved actual penetration, not just someone kissing them and groping them when they didn't really want it. It now involved their best friend breaking the chain on the door to barge in and violently assault them. It was graphic and they claimed they had never really admitted it before. It struck me as odd that 10 minutes after posting what was allegedly an emotional outpouring regarding a traumatic event, they were trying to initiate sex with me and they didn't seem disturbed in the slightest. I knew better than to question them about the discrepancies because I knew it would end with me somehow being the bad guy again.
The last time was the worst. This was a few months ago when they alleged in a blog post that I had sexually assaulted them. They used experiences from my life that I had confided in them as claimed them as their own. Even worse than stealing my story, they used my own story and past against me. They alleged they lay silent and not moving while I touched them, frozen and unable to say anything. The icing on the cake was the allegation that I anally raped them, resulting in their attempted suicide two weeks later. They claimed the mantle of femme on butch sexual assault survivor and people ate it up telling them how brave they were to come forward with their story. The blog sounded very convincing mainly because they used a real experience (mine) so it sounded true. Also, who lies about that? Why would anyone lie about that?
There are people in this world who always need to be seen as a victim. There are people who always need to be seen as heroically overcoming a tragedy. When they don't have a fresh tragedy of their own, they steal from those around them. This also gives them excuses for poor behavior. I don't know how many times I excused their scary behavior during arguments because they alleged they were made small in a prior abusive relationship and now they overcompensate by "getting big." (A relationship they now claim was the most meaningful of their life.) I am not sure why I believed this and put up with this behavior. As someone who has been in two abusive relationships now I can tell you that I immediately get small when confronted with a lot of angry energy. I learned to survive by agreeing and apologizing. This is something I am working hard on overcoming. I have never met a survivor who overcompensated by acting like an abuser.
Having my life experiences stolen was much worse than the thousands of dollars they stole from me. Money is just money and although I now struggle financially to dig myself out of the hole I'm in, it is much less painful than digging myself out of the emotional hole I landed in.
While I am happy to see women standing up and the whole "Me Too" movement, I also know that there are some people who are using this as a means for attention. There are people who are getting revenge on others by claiming sexual assaults that did not happen. The problem with this is when those people are found out it discredits the whole movement.
My therapist warned me that leaving a narcissist is very difficult, because they will make it difficult. When the divorce was final and three months later I finally had them out of my home, I thought it was over. It wasn't. They had police called to the house I own, which is now rented by friends, alleging they were suicidal. They had police called to my parents house alleging they were there and about to kill themself. Every time I would think that they had moved on and were just going to let me be, they found a new way to hurt and harass me because I dared to leave them. I had no plans to out them as a compulsive liar, a thief, and an abuser; I just wanted to walk away. I wanted to just end my marriage and I hoped that we would both move on with our lives, that we would both find partners more suited to us.
I think my only solace is knowing that people will catch on. A compulsive liar who is not wicked smart cannot keep track of all of their lies. A person who lies about having a friend die in the Orlando mass murder at a gay night club will not be believed for long as their story ends up paper thin. I think anyone who actually knows me and has spent any time with me would never think that I would be capable of what they allege. I think any lover that they have who is a survivor of sexual assault will see that their behavior is not consistent with that of a survivor, or that their stories change all of the time because they cannot keep track of which version of events they told to which person.
I made the decision never to look at their blog or social media accounts again. It has been quite some time since I have and every day I feel a greater sense of freedom. I will not ever again listen to or read their lies. They have already done the worst thing that they could have done to me and I am still standing. I have no reason to allow them to hurt me anymore. I put up with enough for so long and now I claim my life as my own. I have a loving partner who helps me as I deal with the aftermath. Every week it affects me less. Every week I feel stronger and like I am getting myself back. I debated ever writing about this in a public way, but I hope that by writing about it I can bury it in the past.
Healing from an abusive relationship with a narcissist is a long and painful journey, but it is possible. I look back to where I was emotionally a year ago and I can see how far I have come. I know a year from now I will be even better.
I think this may be my last blog post on this blog. My partner and I have have plans to create a joint blog where we write about our various adventures including a big adventure that will hopefully happen later this year. It's time to leave the past in the past and focus on my beautiful present and future.
Thank you for reading.
---
* My former wife uses they/them pronouns. If you are unfamiliar with this, here is a great link. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/they-them-questions-answered
Though not involved as intimately as you, I am also a survivor of their abusive narcissism. I am very relieved to not have them in my life any more. Time marches on and I think about them less and less. Which is good because whenever I do think about them I get very angry, very sad, very upset about the damage they caused to you and me and everyone else I know has been used by them. Here's to moving the on!
ReplyDeleteIn solidarity and love...
Yeah I was just thinking about you the other day in relation to my ex and how fucked that whole situation was, how manipulative they were. It made me sad and angry, but also angry at myself for believing and trusting them. I also think about them less and less but still more often than I'd like. I know it's a process and I'm glad to be well on my way. Thank you for your love and support. You were one of the few people I told when I realized. You were wonderfully supportive, more than I could ever have expected or asked for. 🐟 I love you.
DeleteI am so proud of you for getting yourself out of that and for finding the strength to heal. You’re on your way and it will get easier with time.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and so very brave. You inspire me every day. Thank you.
Thank you Wen. You have been my rock for so long now. Thank you for helping me find my strength when I needed it. Thank you for giving me space to grieve. Thank you for reminding me who I am. Thank you for your beautiful love.
Delete