Swimming in the Deep End

We all carry stories around in our heads that were forged by fear, hurt, insecurities, and the like. We let these stories limit us, cage us. We say "I cannot do that because I always....", "I will fail at this because..." I say bullshit. I used to have so many stories and rules. My life was governed by them.  I held the belief that I was broken and incapable of falling deeply in love for so long it felt like fact. I had rules about how much of the parts of myself I deemed weak that I would share with those I loved. I had stories in my head that I would never be capable of being fully present in sex because of past trauma. I could go on for pages, but you get the point. I've decided to abandon every single one of my rules. I have put to rest all of my stories. I have embraced my limitlessness. I held the key to my own cage this entire time. Yes, I have always been more passionate than the average person, but now that I've left my cage, my passion knows ...

It changed over night Suddenly hers and hers bathrooms Our toothbrushes No longer hang out In the same holder I couldn't have known That our uncoupling Would lead to Me covering up my skin No longer free Distance sprang up In a matter of days This I did not expect Could not Foresee that it would happen so quickly Overnight you became A stranger in my home Familiar Yet unknown to me My house no longer a home I mourn This death of Us Wishing we could formally grieve Hold a funeral where with all of our loved ones We recall the joy we shared And afterwards a potluck

After more than four years as a couple my primary partner and I ended that phase of our relationship last night and plan to continue on as loving friends. We almost ended it last year but have spent a year trying to make it work, a year which for which I am grateful. We went to couples counseling which was invaluable. We both did our best to be our most authentic selves and love each other well. In the end, we wanted different things. She wanted the me she thought I was, not the me that I really am. That it the hardest part for me, but I refuse to feel like I failed. I don't think the measure of a successful relationship is whether or not it lasts for ever. Our relationship is measured by the love we shared, the beautiful love we made, the adventures we had, the friendship we shared and continue to share. I loved her to the best of my ability and she loved me to the best of hers. I take comfort in the idea that one day she will find someone who loves her in equal measure. She i...

Balance. It is something I've struggled with my whole life. I’m pretty much a balls out or nothing kind of person. In my adolescence I did drugs. When I say I did drugs, I mean I did almost every drug there was. I ended up a junkie. I saw that my friends who were shooting up were having a better high than I was and I didn't want to miss out on a more intense experience. And let me tell you that shooting up is right up there as one of the top two intense experiences in my life. (For the record, I quit powdered drugs when I was 18, went to rehab and never looked back). That is just one example of the many examples I have in my life of me going as far as I can with something.  When I do something I have a hard time doing it halfway. I like to experience things intensely…passionately.  I like to dive in to whatever experience I am having and be fully immersed in it. I like to push my limits. Currently I am seized with a terrible case of wanderlust. I am itching to take off...