Swimming in the Deep End

The temptation to run away to the other side of the country is great today. I have friends who are moving to upstate New York, to a town that is allegedly queer friendly, a town that is exceedingly affordable, to a town where I have no history, no memories, no baggage. These friends I have only hung out with during one trip for a few days, but they are people I immediately liked on a level that if we lived in the same town I would make an effort to see them regularly. They are people who know about things I do not, and who know about things that I do, so there are things to learn and things to share. They are smart and kind. When I heard they were moving to this small town, I joked that I should just pick up and move there so we could be neighbors (ish). Then for the hell of it I looked on Craigslist to see how much it costs to rent an apartment or home there and was shocked how much cheaper it is.  I had daydreams about hiking in the Adirondacks, kayaking in the Finger La...

The other day,  I read this brilliant essay with tears streaming down my face.   Please read it. This Is Not For You    Pretty much every single word she wrote resonated with me.   I have struggled feeling like I fit anywhere all of my life, but I'm always extra sad when I feel like a misfit in my own community.  I’ve been called bisexual like it’s a dirty word. I recall the times when women have bragged about being gold stars* with an air of superiority.  I cannot tell you how many time people have treated me like property of my butch partners because I am wearing a skirt and heels and expertly applied eyeliner.  I remember that one time a “well meaning” gay guy asked me   if I was gay because I thought I couldn’t get a guy because I’m not skinny, and tried to reassure me that I’m still pretty even if I’m not thin. (Maybe because I’m girly he thought I wasn’t genuinely queer.) I have loved men, both cis and trans. I have loved them fo...

Having spent 44 years on this planet, I have learned a thing or two about love. I have learned that words are fantastic and all but in the end fairly meaningless. I have been seduced by pretty words more often than I care to admit, excusing actions that belie the most exquisite professions of love. One of my favorite songs, Teardrop by Massive Attack, begins with the following lyric "Love, love is a verb, love is a doing word." If you want to know how someone feels about you, just watch their actions...that is where you will find the truth. It is true what they say, the truth really can set you free.

Thank you for breaking my heart  Thank you for tearing me apart  Now I've a strong, strong heart  Thank you for breaking my heart                    - Sinead O'Connor  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I am going to be a veritable Hulk when this is all over because the alternative is to lie in a broken pile or be consumed by bitterness and anger, which I refuse to do.  Watch me rise from the ashes stronger and more brilliant than I've ever been...shining like a fucking beacon of happiness because I will have my freedom. I will never walk on eggshells again. I will live and laugh and love the way I want. I will never again make myself small for another. I will celebrate my big generous heart instead of berate myself for being taken advantage of. I will come out of this wiser, oh so much wiser. I will rise with my integrity intact. The most important part of all of this is that I will rise....

What will 2017 hold for me? Relationships Letting go of relationships that are not meant for me and nurturing relationships that feed my soul. For me the greatest joy in life is connecting with amazing people, so I plan to do more of that with more people.  My marriage has ended and will also come to a legal end shortly. I will let it go with gratitude for the lessons learned and the beautiful times that were shared. I am richly blessed with the most incredibly loving and supportive family one could hope for. I plan to spend more time with them and cherish every minute of it including celebrating my son's marriage in June. I am also excited about spending more time with my birth mother's family and getting to know some of my cousins and aunts and uncles better. Travel Winter - I'm starting the year off with a bang by traveling with friends to the women's march in Washington DC in January. We are all crashing in a basement airbnb on the cheap and shari...

Grief sits like a rock in my heart This rock is made of molten lava, it certainly feels that way This red hot lava rock is burning burning burning The tears fall down my cheeks I imagine the lava rock searing a hole straight through my heart Then out of my chest, plopping out and landing on my keyboard Grief, they say, is only lessened with time I am staring down the long dark road ahead Squaring my shoulders and taking steps Letting myself feel all of it I walk down this road leaving a trail of red hot rocks behind

These are dark and scary times we are entering. Our country has elected a racist bigot who has no respect for women and who seems willing to take way the rights of LGBTQ folks. When I first heard the news I was shocked, I made my way home and sobbed, plotting my move to Canada. The next day was kind of a haze, but amid the haze I realized I would not abandon my home and community out of fear. Yesterday I went for a body/energy treatment, which was amazing. If you are in the Portland area Laura is offering this on a donation basis during the month of November as a way to help people during this stressful time. Check it out here . I went in feeling the weight of the world on my body, not just what has been going on politically but the turmoil that has been going on in my personal life as well. I cannot tell you how healing this was for me to take this time for self care. I walked out of there feeling so much better emotionally. I felt myself surrounded by a pink bu...