Swimming in the Deep End

“I’ve got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I’ve got a perfect body, cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.” – Regina Spektor I celebrate this body of mine in all its rubenesque glory. This body has grown a human, birthed, and nourished a wonderful human boy. These hips are glorious and perfect for resting a child on or a bag of groceries as I fish in my purse for the keys to my house. This body of mine moves me through the water like a mermaid, exploring 100 feet below the surface. My legs are strong enough to carry me up a Mayan pyramid 138 feet in height, even though my weight classifies me as obese. My legs are beautifully shaped with strong calves and soft thighs in which I rejoice.  Parts of my story are written on my flesh in stretch marks and scars and tattoos.  I admire them all. This body is my instrument in which I give pleasure to the lovers I have had… with my mouth and my tongue, my teeth, my fingers, my cunt. My small breasts are p...

i never could stand artifice lovers who played a role to win my heart artificial sweetener tastes like chemicals give me Your real undiluted holiness come to me with Your demons in tow i want all of You sacred our lovemaking like worship ritual sacrifice of blood and sweat and tears my orgasm an offering You thank me for every time show me Your truth even if it is two things there is room i accept multitudes You taste real like wine and a wafer on my tongue

There is nothing timid about the way that I love. When I am truly in love it is fathomless. It is me ripping my chest open and exposing my beating heart to you.   It is me setting aside my pride and being authentic, open...raw. It is me unlocking all of your doors with all of the keys I keep finding; poking around inside and looking for the doors you’ve not opened in a long time, if ever. It is me accepting you as a person distinct from me with your own ways of thinking and doing. It is me wanting to understand you, me wanting to see all of you. It is me honoring and respecting our differences but also me gently encouraging you to be your best, most authentic self. It is me tenderly loving you, all of you. It is me loving your beauty, your shame, your weaknesses, your failings, your triumphs, your hopes, your entire person. It is me celebrating you and holding up a mirror so that you can see your glory. When it is real, our love can transport us to another place, a plac...

the thin red line is a film about war but this war is waged within weapons forged by shame guilt anger grief overwhelm stainless steel fresh from the package tempting offering the release i crave that thin red line catharsis

It is winter outside but not yet the winter of my grief. It’s amazing to me how many feelings my heart can hold simultaneously. It feels like an emotional shit storm  at times. In my heart there is much grief over the transition of my relationship with my partner and with Kyle. It usually hangs out quietly but then at times it hits me like a sneaker wave and suddenly my eyes fill with tears that I desperately try to blink back.   So much change has a way of throwing me off kilter. In three weeks I must pack my entire life into boxes to be stored for a few months while I travel and stay with my parents.   Three weeks in which I must also manage the holidays with family and get a mountain of work done at my job so that I can feel good about leaving the country for three weeks. In the midst of all of this change and emotional turmoil blooms a precious new love. Like a lotus flower pushing its way through the murky pond to explode in its pretty white sple...

So many changes in my life. Those that know me may think I’m acting impulsively, and maybe I am. But this is my life. I know what I am doing. I am listening to my heart.   This is my only rule. Okay, well maybe I have two rules: be honest and listen to my heart. This is my path to happiness, the only one I know that works. It makes me sad that the choices I have made cause others to feel loss and grief but I cannot live my life for anyone but myself. I have to trust that the loves I have left will cherish what we had and will find someone who is a better fit for them just as I have found my perfect fit.  I hope that the loves I have left will find someone who will love them back in equal measure and not want more or less than they have to offer. I tried the poly thing. It didn’t work for me. I tried really hard to make it work for me in my heart and in my mind. Initially it worked for me because I wasn’t fully in love with my partner, so of course I felt capable of ...

We all carry stories around in our heads that were forged by fear, hurt, insecurities, and the like. We let these stories limit us, cage us. We say "I cannot do that because I always....", "I will fail at this because..." I say bullshit. I used to have so many stories and rules. My life was governed by them.  I held the belief that I was broken and incapable of falling deeply in love for so long it felt like fact. I had rules about how much of the parts of myself I deemed weak that I would share with those I loved. I had stories in my head that I would never be capable of being fully present in sex because of past trauma. I could go on for pages, but you get the point. I've decided to abandon every single one of my rules. I have put to rest all of my stories. I have embraced my limitlessness. I held the key to my own cage this entire time. Yes, I have always been more passionate than the average person, but now that I've left my cage, my passion knows ...